Sunday, July 1, 2012

it's been 27 days...

june 5. a day i will remember, probably forever. that was the first day sophia drank from a cup. she had never used a bottle or cup until that day. and i wasn't expecting it to go that well. to my surprise it did and thus began weaning. i admit i had thought about weaning for a few weeks prior and i knew that i had planned to be done nursing by the time school starts but still i was caught off guard. since she was doing so good with the cup i wanted to encourage it. so my plan initially was to nurse 2-3 times a day; i got a pump so she could at least drink my milk from the cup. this has helped me (and her).
27 days and it's been an emotional, hormonal ride. i think i was in denial at first about how much it was affecting me. after a week or so, i realized i had been eating alot more ice cream than usual. that was the first sign and then I started noticing the emotional part. pumping 3 times a day was taking 2 1/2 to 3 hours a day and i was going insane; but i felt guilty that i couldn't keep doing that. but i also coudn't spend that much time each day pumping. part of me just wanted to go back to nursing full time---i mean goodness, it only took 35-40 mintues total PER DAY to nurse and pumping was taking more than triple that. now i am down to pumping once a day, sometimes twice; and nursing only first thing in the morning. on one hand, i am glad to have some freedom back; to be able to come and go more freely; she can actually drink her milk while i'm IN the grocery store; and i'm able to leave her with family for longer periods of time. but on the other hand, it is sad. in some ways i do not want to stop even though obviously i do at some point. i never knew that nursing was so wonderful. i wasn't able to nurse with ella except the first few weeks but if i had known then what i know now, i would have made a way! the health benefits to her and to me are great; in addition to that is the emotional bond. amazing. there are no words. God was so thoughtful in His decision for this to be how our young should be fed. i will never forget that sweet sound she makes while she's nursing; its her little sound of "yummy". or how she will look in my eyes in the middle of nursing and smile or laugh. or the countless times we nursed in the car in a random parking lot. or watching her eyelids slowly close as her tummy gets full. or the contentment on her face. or how her hair curls like a corkscrew above her right ear. or how she wants to cuddle when she's full, listening to my heart and my breathing. or how when she's upset, tired, maybe hungry and nursing is the only thing that will comfort her. or realizing how much those little legs have grown, from barely reaching my side to dangling playfully on the chair. a-mazing. i pray i never forget all the precious moments.
of course as i say how wonderful this experience has been, i'm not saying that every single feeding was absolutely fabulous; there is always the other side of the coin. we certainly had our times of frustration, various age/development "issues", doctor visits (dr. saenz is fabulous), educating myself (ms breastfeeding clinic notes and kellymom). but it was all worth it and i would do it over again in a heartbeat!!! i am so thankful for the support of my hubby, parents, and in laws. so glad that my 4 year old has been wonderfully helpful and understanding. now i'm praying that my milk supply will stay so we can keep that first early morning feeding for a little while longer. i'm not ready to let go. there i said it. so if you happen in my path in the next few weeks, months and i get a little teary eyed, but our conversation has no sadness in it whatsoever, just know it's the hormones and nothing to worry about (:
disclaimer--i am not in any way saying anything against moms who use formula and/or didn't nurse. and i'm sorry if this was too personal for anyone reading. as i said in the beginning, this blog is a place for me to be open and honest about it all!

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